


Now I Know

by youngerdrgrey



Category: Castle
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-24
Updated: 2012-06-24
Packaged: 2017-11-08 11:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/442842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngerdrgrey/pseuds/youngerdrgrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Finishing the case won't suddenly make the world perfect. It won't do anything but force you to recognize that, for years, you haven't really lived. Not until recently at least." || ABCs of Castle. Z through U up already. AU after S3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Z for Zenith

**Author's Note:**

> Each letter of the alphabet gets a chapter. They range in time, length, and content. Some chapters are fluffy while others are swimming in angst. I update on here and Tumblr (gleesanatomy) and usually I update there first. I'll also be posting things to let people know how things are going so feel free to follow. The list of words is actually on the blog if you want to check it out and get the gears turning for future chapters.
> 
> "Zenith" means the highest point. This part of their lives - specifically Castle's - is a very intense portion where emotions are heightened and the stakes could not be any closer to the endless sky. This chapter takes place at the hypothetical beginning of Season Four. The main gang (plus Alexis, Ashley, and Martha) are in the waiting room of the hospital, mere hours after Kate was shot.

Rick currently hates two things - snipers and beginnings. The latter carries over from his many years of writing, wherein he typically debated over how to start his latest venture. Should he begin in the middle of the action and flashback to when Derrick first gets involved? Should it be a normal, mundane morning when a cry sounds in the night, echoing inside of the prison some foolishly call the brain? The options have always been endless. Anything can happen in the beginning. It's daunting, dreadful even. Today is a beginning.

The title of this chapter of his memoir will be 'The Zombification of Richard Castle.' The created word will get a few chuckles from the reader and also lend to he or she wondering whether or not he shrugged off the whole honest fact thing part-way through and dove into the fiction he knows well. He hasn't. He merely enjoys the more poetic way of saying what happens in his life. Alternatively, he could call it 'The Wilting of Richard Castle.' In it, he curls into himself from lack of water and breaks bit by bit with every touch from outside hands, no matter how gentle or well-meant the hold might be. He slowly crumbles until nothing is left but murky water and a scent that makes people turn up their noses and spray a bit more Febreeze into the air.

On page one of this chapter, he pushes too far and tries to bring some water with him out of the pot they belong in. He tries to uproot and winds up separated from his life source. He crashes to the ground and takes things with him, small things like the life they both festered and his dignity. He wallows on the ground for a while until someone picks him up and brings him back to the water. He gets a chance again. For a fleeting moment, he deludes himself into thinking that something could possibly change and they can survive together. And then some jackass with a gun shoots Kate and burns it all to hell.

"Damnit!"

Rick slams on the delete key of his laptop a few hundred times. Esposito glares at him from across the waiting room, but Rick stays focused on the screen. He watches tales of Nikki and Rook living happily ever after disappear into the vast blank page. It feels oddly cathartic. Like he is releasing the hopes of ever living that life with Kate. Relinquishing control to whatever else is out there. Letting Jesus take the wheel and praying another bullet doesn't come flying through the windshield.

His hand halts of someone else's volition. Alexis's small hand holds onto his, tight and clenched. He wonders if that's from the situation or just to stop him from continuing the aggravating clicking noise. He flips over his hand and squeezes until some of the tension goes away. He can feel her eyes on him long after he lets go. Therein lies the downside of having such an intellectual child, she seems to know just when to wait rather than push. Why was that not a hereditary trait? Maybe if it was, Kate would still be-

"Dad?"

Perfect timing.

He breaks his staring match with the blinking cursor to start a new one with his progeny. Alexis's eyes are dry but drenched in concern and fear. She should be concerned. About Beckett. She should be afraid of just what will happen to him if Kate doesn't pull through. She should… she should be home, sleeping or talking to Ashley about Columbia. She shouldn't be here keeping Esposito from ripping Rick's hand off.

"You should head home," he says.

Alexis's nose flares the second the words are out of his mouth. Her eyes widen in indignation and he imagines she would stomp her foot down if she were standing. His mind flashes back to her childhood reaction when he would tell her to turn out the light, put down the book, and go to sleep. He wonders if allowing her one final chapter will calm her down now like it did back then.

"Where would I go, Dad? Grams is here. Ashley is here. Detective Beckett is here."

His face contorts at just the sound of Kate's name. He forces his muscles to relax, but not before Alexis catches it. He sighs.

"There's nothing you can do right now. You should sleep. You have classes and-"

"I could miss one day of school. I'm not leaving you alone right now. Every time I turn my back, something happens to you," Alexis says.

Is it wrong that he thinks that's the most selfish statement he has ever heard her say? They are sitting in the waiting room of a hospital because Kate got shot, in the chest, and Alexis only cares about what will happen to him while waiting. That's ridiculous.

Vaguely, though, he recognizes the thought process. Zeroing in on the person that she can help is a coping mechanism for efficiency. Derrick did the same when the flirty secretary wound up with glassy eyes and a knife to her chest while the delivery boy had a gaping leg wound. Derrick had pushed the unwanted thoughts aside and tried his damnedest to save that pimple faced kid because he was the one that would certainly get through the ordeal and Derrick simply did not have the right training to play with knives in chest cavities.

Rick gets it. He does.

He turns to face her a bit more. "I'm fine here. Nothing is going to happen. And if it does, emergency room's right over there." He tries to give her a smile, but it comes out almost as weak as his defense.

She shakes her head and that redheaded spunk appears.

"I'm not leaving. If you want me out of here, you'll have to drag me out and lock yourself away with me. I'm serious, Dad. You could've been shot too," Alexis reminds him.

He wishes he had been. The thought is fleeting, but it resonates a bit into his next comment.

"I wasn't. No cuts, guts, or dripping blood." He holds his arms out for her to check. She doesn't.

She puts her hand back on top of his and brings it to her lap. She watches them for a moment. He does as well. It seems the moment he looks away from her Alexis gains the courage to speak again.

"I'm worried, Dad."

"Me too," he whispers. Her grip grows more purposeful.

"I'm worried about what you're going to do. You never listen when people tell you to stop. I can't lose you, okay? You can't follow her right now. Not into this," Alexis insists.

He isn't just following Kate. He's never been just following her. He wants to tell Alexis, but her eyes inform him that she already knows that. She averts her gaze after passing along the message. His thumb traces along hers lightly. It's meant to soothe but it somehow brings the tears out in her eyes. She blinks and one falls slowly down her cheek. He raises his other hand to wipe away the tear. She pushes him away.

"Alexis-"

The voice of a doctor cuts Rick off.

"Katherine Beckett?"

Everyone in the room glances up at the man in the white lab coat. Rick takes the moment before the man speaks to breathe in deeply. He holds onto that breath, somewhat prepared for it to be his last. Alexis's grip tightens. The cursor blinks. Rick decides he hates three things - snipers, beginnings, and the long pause that doctors leave between the introduction and what everyone really wants to know.

"Yes?"

"How is she?"

"Is she alive?"

The doctor holds up his hands to quiet the troops. They all fall silent, Esposito's question ringing through their ears.

"Yes. For now."

Rick lets out that breath. Looks like he gets to rename this chapter of his life. Personally, he likes 'A New Beginning Worth Working For.'


	2. Y for Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Yours" is a term I think everyone is familiar with. This chapter takes place at least one week and a half into Kate's stay at the hospital. Hope you enjoy it.

Living in the hospital reminds Kate of her seemingly endless childhood summers. Each day falls into the same pre-determined patterns of nothingness. She awakens to the sun peaking through the thin blinds of the hospital room. The deep cerulean curtains that should protect her from it are still haphazardly pushed into the far corners from the night before. Her gaze drifts from the curtains to her right side where they latch onto something else blue, Rick's eyes. A small staring match has him grinning before he pulls out some film from the 90s meant to make her smile. Eventually, she acquiesces and they watch the film until she cannot take his staring any longer. And so and so forth until the night comes and the nurses close the curtains for her to get some sleep and Castle opens them to watch the city and the sunset and then they do it all over again. And again. And again.

The monotony should make her melancholy. Instead, it warps into becoming the next normal in a string that Kate has had to create over the years. She resents the normalcy more than some of the past, but what can she do when even breathing makes her wince? She sucks it up. She sucks up the frustration and bottles in the restlessness. She puts on a smile for her friends. She accepts the flowers. She does whatever she needs to do to convince everyone that she is okay.

"You are not okay," Lanie announces.

Kate takes a moment to bite back her groan before turning her attention to her best friend. Lanie sits on the bed, hands crossed in her lap and eyes never straying from Kate's face. Kate's eyes wander, if only to avoid the scrutiny. The dress Lanie wears looks new. It's far too form fitting and flashy to be for work, so she must have plans with Esposito after the visit. The red makes Lanie's lipstick pop, which oddly enough just makes Lanie's knowing smile all the more irritating. Kate's skin itches just looking at it.

"I'm fine," tries Kate.

Lanie rolls her eyes. "Don't insult my intelligence with your pride. You're thinking about something in that pretty little head of yours. What is it?"

Kate considers lying. She's not really thinking of too much. She could easily say that she was in pain or something. No, Lanie would try and up Kate's meds and probably call Castle. Where the hell is Castle anyway? Kate shouldn't have to be cornered by Lanie. She should be hearing the latest chapter of the next Nikki book, or watching  _Forbidden Planet_  for the third time.

"I've been sitting here alone for an hour now," Kate tells her.

"Minus the last five minutes when you've had my marvelous company," Lanie corrects. Kate cracks a small grin.

"Right, of course."

Lanie hums in understanding. Of what Kate is not exactly sure. Lanie shakes her head and asks, "Where's Writer Boy? I thought he'd be curled up at the foot of your bed."

Actually, he sits in the chair beside it.

"He went to get jello and probably got sidetracked by Veronica," Kate says.

"Veronica?"

"She's practically a clone of his ex-wife, only she's a nurse. My nurse. She even had the audacity to ask Castle to sign her scrubs while she took my blood pressure," Kate says.

"Bet that sent it through the roof."

"She was unprofessional," Kate reasons.

Lanie points out. "Castle isn't the patient."

"That doesn't mean that she can flirt with him. He's not up for grabs. He's-"

"Yours?" Lanie interjects.

"Exactly," Kate confirms. The split second look from Lanie has her speaking again. "He's my partner and should be here with me or home with his daughter. Not schtupping that little-"

"Whoa, reel it in, girl. Castle's not schtupping anyone," Lanie says.

A bit of hope swells inside of Kate, peeking through the green of her eyes. It can't be true though. Rick has flocks of women chasing after him from all sorts of social circles and tax brackets. He attracts them like children to candy and they will not leave until pried away. Rick cannot be on some vow of chastity. For him to be single and truly alone, he would have to be waiting on someone. Waiting on... her.

"That's crazy, Lanie. Have you seen him?" Kate asks.

"Have you?" Lanie sends back. "He's running on nothing but coffee, hospital food, and your smiles these days. He doesn't go anywhere but to his loft, the precinct, and this room. Unless he's doing Karpowski - which he's not - he is not getting any. Besides, he's holding out for someone special."

"How naive," Kate grumbles.

"It's not naive if you want him just as much."

Kate's neck twitches as she brings her attention fully back to Lanie. "Me?"

Lanie rolls her eyes. "Oh don't make me slap you, Kate Beckett. You and Castle have been playing this game for three years now and it's getting old."

"We're not-"

"You are jealous, Kate. You're jealous every time he talks to another girl. He's not after anyone else. If he was, he would have her by now," Lanie concludes.

"H-he's not after me, Lanie," Kate says. Lanie opens her mouth to object, but Kate shakes her head. "If he were, he wouldn't be out there, doing whatever or whoever he fancies, he would be-"

"Knock knock."

Kate's sentence freezes just as much as her body does. Meanwhile, Lanie smirks as she glances to the door. Rick stands on the other side, peeking through the window beside it. He holds up the red packages in his hand and dangles them enticingly.

Lanie decides to finish Kate's statement with "Standing outside your room with jello?"

Kate shakes her head again and waves Rick into the room. He enters with his usual flourish and all of his clothes the same as they were when he left. His hair remains perfectly styled. All buttons are done. Lanie's comments start holding water as the actual woman grabs her purse.

Lanie clears her throat.

"Well, I've got plans with Javi tonight so I'm gonna go," Lanie says.

Rick grins and plops down in his chair. "Are you two still joining us for poker tomorrow?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world. Night, Castle. Night, Kate." Lanie offers her friend one more knowing glance before leaving.

Once the door closes, Kate turns her attention back to Rick. He's watching her, but what else is new? He offers her a smile and pushes her cup towards her. When she doesn't reach for it, he speaks up.

"It may be late, but it is still delicious. Melanie swears by it," he says.

"Who's Melanie? Another nurse with cartoons on her scrubs?" Kate asks.

Rick chuckles as he answers, "Ms. Flester, from 116."

Kate's face flushes as the image of Rick spooning jello with a twenty-year-old morphs into that of the sweet, grey lady from a few rooms down. Oh, gosh, how is she going to live this one down?

"You've been with Ms. Flester this whole time?" she checks. He nods.

"She roped me into joining her for dinner in the cafeteria. She played the 'dying-of-cancer-at-eighty-nine card. I was putty," he says.

She can't believe it. "You know this room has a phone, Castle. Call next time." Next time what? Next time he helps other patients out of the kindness of his giant child heart? Or next time he inadvertently stands her up? Kate feels a new level of respect for Ryan and his constant check-ins all of a sudden. Jenny probably doesn't sit around fuming. Then again, Jenny and Ryan are engaged and Kate and Rick are just…. Are they still partners? Well, they are friends, but that does not seem to cover it. They're Castle and Beckett and whatever that entails.

"There won't be a next time," Rick vows easily. "Don't worry, Kate. I'm all yours."

Kate grins despite herself. She likes the sound of that, almost as much as the squeaking chains of swings on a warm summer day.


	3. X for Xerox

The creator of wrapping paper deserves some sort of medal for making the least cherished invention of the holidays. No matter the age of the recipient, wrapping paper does little to stop the person from opening the box and ravishing the prize inside. At most, the thin sheets of happy snowmen gain a brief reprieve and allow for easily concealed tricks.

Every year, Esposito pulls the same joke. He goes Inception on his gift wrapping and makes a big show out of giving this large present to whoever is new to the precinct. The new guy feels welcomed and ecstatic until, five boxes inside of boxes later, he finds a gift card to Starbucks. And he does it every year. As the holiday season ends, the new guy's, Rachertson's, desk remains surprisingly empty. Her desk, on the other hand, holds a gift that is no larger than a tissue box.

Pink snowmen wrapping paper covers the entirety of the package. Towards the center, her name is written on a small gift tag designed to look like an elf's speech bubble. She takes in the unfamiliar handwriting as nothing but a challenge to figure out the true bearer of her little surprise. She examines the floor's inhabitants. Karpowski chats away on the land line with her typical serious expression in place. Gates sits locked away in her closed office, no doubt thinking of new ways to rain down fire and scrutiny while somehow remaining slightly likable. Ryan and Esposito watch her from over the screen of the former's computer. Their barely concealed grins of excitement tell her exactly who the gift is from.

She grabs hold of a loose scrap and begins to shed the outer lining. She wastes no time on saving the paper or rattling the box. She just needs to get this over with so those two will focus. The tattered remains form a moat around the small rectangle. As she finally removes enough to see the cardboard, she finds her description to be quite appropriate. A doodle of a castle spans across the two flaps of the top. Kate would be more impressed if the guards weren't stick figures with egg nog cartons in their hands.

When she gazes into the box, she finds herself looking at her own face. Rather, her profile as the picture is from what must have been the view from Rick's kitchen. Her eyes are closed and her right hand barely makes into the shot, just over Rick's ear. His left sneaks in through the tangles in her long, brown hair. She can feel them ghosting over her skin just looking at it. Kate takes a deep breath and regards the picture as a whole. Obviously this is Esposito's doing; Ryan would have at least added a frame. Not that she can forget the moment anyway.

**X X X**

_A true performer never missed an opportunity to perform. At least, that was Martha's excuse for giving rousing performances of every Christmas carol known to New York every fifteen or so minutes. The majority of the guests offered applause at the end of each number. Though, a select few had taken to joining her in their drunken states. Kate chuckled from across the room as Ryan and Esposito battled for the karaoke microphone during the final chorus of 'Jingle Bell Rock.'_

_"Giddy up, jingle horse-"_

_"Pick up your feet. Jingle around the cl-"_

_"-clock. Mix and mingle to the jingling beat, and that's the jingle bell -"_

_"-that's the jingle bell -"_

_"-that's the jingle bell roooooock!"_

_Ryan's fingers fanned out in the air in what could only be described as spirit fingers. Esposito posed with as much charm and decorum as he could, which almost made up for the fact that neither of them understood what exactly a key was. Esposito tumbled off of the makeshift stage and into Lanie's waiting arms. The look on her face promised that this would not be something she merely shared with the bodies in the morgue. Jenny seemed to have the same idea. Ryan made a valiant attempt to stop it by reaching for her camera, but he wound up just wrapped up in his fiancee. They were adorable. Both of them._

_A hand fell onto Kate's shoulder. She froze at the unexpected weight until the rest of her senses kicked in. She could smell him. Gosh, how creepy did that sound that she just knew Rick's scent? Touch reacted yet again as his breath tickled her neck. She simultaneously cursed and blessed her decision not to wear a turtleneck to Rick's annual Christmas party._

_"They should really take that act on the road," Rick commented. Kate turned her head slightly towards him, not enough to dislodge him from his resting place but enough where she could actually see him a bit._

_"I doubt that's what people have in mind when they think of drunken cop parties," Kate said._

_Rick nodded. "You are right about that. Those mental images have nothing to do with Ryan and Esposito."_

_"Let me guess, Castle," Kate began with a chuckle, "You picture a gangle of women in hooker issue police uniforms, dangling handcuffs and using Tequila guns."_

_He brought his face out further. He shook his head while holding her gaze steady._

_"I picture none of the above. Just a certain favorite female detective with a glass of wine and a guitar," he said. Kate felt her face start to burn. She never should have left that sitting in the open in her apartment. He probably had all sorts of little visions of the two of them sprawled on her bed, nothing but the blankets and the cool wood of the guitar to shield their most private parts from the moon's shine. She would make up a song just for him and he would kiss her fingers over the strings before working his way up to her lips and then-_

_"Natalie is an excellent guitar player. She swore by it back when she was being creepy-you," Rick said._

_Natalie… Rhodes? Kate flushed even further. Great. He was thinking about the fake-her and she was thinking about the real him taking her with music as foreplay. She needed help. Psychiatric help. Well, psychiatric help that was not connected to her PTSD. The type that focused on wiping her mind clear of all distractions that come in crisp button downs and a sharpie in the back jean pocket._

_Kate stepped out of their close proximity. Cool air rushed towards her neck evoking a new shiver from her body. Rick's gaze stayed firm on her and she wished that the air were the only thing affecting her. She had it bad. After all of the time and the fights and the failed relationships, Kate still felt as strongly as she did the weekend of the disastrous Hamptons failure._

_"Ugh, do not remind me," she grumbled._

_"I have plenty of ideas on how to make you forget, Detective," he said._

_At that, Kate moved in to him again._

_"Do you now?" she asked. He nodded easily. His bottom lip slid excitedly under his top one as his eyes widened in delight. She considered raising an eyebrow but settled for the half-smile that seemed to drive him wild instead._

_Rick answered, "Look up."_

_She did. All she saw was green before meeting his eyes once more. She wanted to say something witty or biting, anything to cheapen the moment and make it feel less like she was honestly about to kiss him._

_She didn't. His bottom lip found refuge between her two as his eyes closed in a new sort of joy. Hers followed. Their second first kiss was oddly reminiscent of the first, what with him taking the lead and her letting out a soft whimpering moan that made the whole world burn in a sweltering fire. No wolf whistles were heard. No camera flashes seen. There was only him and her with very little space in between._

_Eventually they separated, cheeks pink and lips sore. Unable to resist, Rick said,_   
_"What a merry Christmas to me and to me a good night."_

_"Not that good, Castle," she said. He rose his eyebrows suggestively._

_"My dearest detective, never doubt the magic of the holidays."_

_She shook her head. "I told you, Castle. I don't believe in magic."_

_"Believe in me then," he suggested._

_Kate grinned._

_"I already do."_

**X X X**

The box lands with a thud loud enough to make the two boys jump. Esposito is quick to recover.

"Did you like my present?" he asks her.

"Yeah. Almost as much as you'll like doing all of my paperwork for the next few days," she says. He blanks comically and turns to his partner for some sort of help.

Ryan jumps in. "No can do, boss. You've got to play by the books, Beckett, or else you can't do anything, remember?"

Kate shows them an almost predatory smile. Ryan finds himself gulping ever so slightly.

She tells them, "You weren't the only ones with pictures from Christmas. Some of those are of much worse things that someone can do with a xerox machine."

Esposito pales. Kate waits a moment for the fuzzy memories to re-enter his mind. Ryan chuckles to himself. There is a reason that Esposito and Lanie do not get to be in confined spaces during work hours or on the premises.

"Where are the files?" asks Esposito. Kate points to the box. He glances inside and then back to her with a smirk. "Where's the photo then?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" she returns before spinning on her heels and walking back to her desk.

Kate plops down onto her chair with a sense of triumph. She deserves a medal actually. For outsmarting her co-workers and just being a general BAMF. She plucks one of elephants from her desk happily and flips it upside down. Taped to the four feet of the grey creature is the picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> X for Xerox, or xerox machine. They're used for copying papers and the like and can typically be found in any non-food work place. This chapter takes place in the holiday season. Hope you enjoy it.


	4. W for When

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets a bit dialogue heavy. I don't know if you guys have noticed that it's sort of my style.  
> W for When was originally going to be a different letter, but I changed it because I got a better idea for the letter J. This chapter takes a place one week after Christmas, or the previous chapter.

For Kate, the question has never been if she would cave in to Castle, but when. If not for the murder investigation and her strong sense of pride, she would have given in back when they first met. She would have made him buy her dinner then they could go to the loft and he would talk Derrick with her until she couldn't take it any longer and jumped him. They probably wouldn't have even made it outside of his office. But she refrained then and is still refraining now. Though, now, it is completely Castle's fault.

He must be going for the world record on longest non-physical sexually charged partnership because he has yet to make a move, months after Kate's recovery. She doesn't get it. One second he kisses her under the mistletoe like she's the best thing in the world. The next he goes back to sitting in his chair as if nothing happened. Of course, many days fall between the two examples, but it feels as if they don't. Life feels basically the same as before all of the madness, only Roy is gone and Kate has a hole in her body to physically match the one festering inside of her daily.

Her therapist likes to talk about that actually. One of Kate's large issues is that she expects to lose everyone she cares about. She commonly wonders how long until a person is out of her life. She has lost a mother, a long lost love, and a father – work father. She would never say it aloud, but she sees Roy as just that. He looked after her and cared about her and even died to keep her safe. Kate can't help thinking how mad Roy will be when she and Castle get together. He deserved to see that happen. But he won't because everyone leaves her. They leave her to help her. They leave her to hide secrets. To save the world. To see it. To find someone who makes it go 'round. What will be Rick's reason? Rather, what is?

Kate sighs, her fingers rushing through her straight brown hair. At the end of the clump, she begins again. Rinse and repeat. She starts to pull as her mind starts answering her question.

She's too damaged with a hole in her heart to prove it. She's not enough for him. He's figured her out. He's bored. He's just plain out of love.

She wishes she could be. If she weren't still in love with Rick, she could be out tasting the finest foods in New York with Josh. Instead, she is ripping her hair out in her therapist's waiting room. As her location comes to mind, her back grows sore against the plastic grey chair. The fluorescent lights shine down onto her shoes, flats still, and she groans into the next and final lap through her hair. The four-fifteen appointment holder typically runs late, but thirty minutes is simply inexcusable. Any longer out here thinking and Kate might wind up giving them all a real reason to keep her off duty.

The door flies open and slams into the small desk on the other side of it. A mousy woman in an oversized sweatshirt squeaks. Magazines clatter to the ground. Kate instinctively reaches towards where her gun should be. It's not there. She knows. She doesn't have the time to lament that fact though as the crazed maniac storms towards her.

His hands shake wildly in gesticulation without words. He slightly resembles a wrinkled dog with the many creases in his forehead and the bulging neck. He gets closer and closer before she finally raises a hand in confusion and in an attempt to calm him.

"Castle, what-"

But Rick pays her no mind. He stops only when he towers above her and that's barely long enough for him to take a quick breath.

"When were you going to tell me?" he demands.

Kate glances to her sides to find that not only the mousy woman is watching. Everyone is. Rationalize first, answer accusatory questions second.

"Castle-"

"As your partner and whatever else, I deserved to know. You tell things like that to people, Beckett," he says.

Okay, accusatory questions first. She asks, "Like what?"

He pauses and studies her for a moment. She can feel him – and the rest of the room – taking her in. Is it reasonable to feel naked in a jacket and a sweater? Kate fidgets slightly, hands smoothing over her choice of jeans for the day. If she had known they would all be staring at her, she would have put a bit more effort into her appearance. Too late to change that now.

Rick must pick up on her newfound discomfort because he talks softer next.

"You and Josh broke up," Rick says. Kate's attention goes swiftly to the door to her therapist's office. Had he told? Doctor-patient confidentiality her ass. Now Rick knows and so does everyone else in the room. Everyone else who, by the way, still seem fairly invested into Kate's interaction with Rick. Kate opens her mouth to say something about his grave overreaction but does not get further than that.

Rick ignores her completely as his volume increases once more. He says, "You broke up, weeks ago, even before all of the third cop madness, before L.A.!"

He means before they spent the weekend in a giant suite in two separate bedrooms rather than just one, back when she crossed a line only to find him safely retreating on the other side. Would he have acted differently if he knew?  _Of course he would have_ , she thinks quickly.  _He would have been all over you. 'Comforting' you for losing Royce._

"I didn't think it was relevant then," Kate says.

"Why wouldn't that be relevant?" he asks. Maybe because of the dead ex-cop and the secret L.A. mission? Or, because her relationship status doesn't seem to matter to him in the slightest.

"You kissed me before when I had a boyfriend," she points out.

"It's not the same," argues Rick. "That was to…" His sentence falls off.

Kate raises an eyebrow. "See, you can't even finish that sentence, Castle. You didn't kiss me for the guard the first time and it wasn't just in the spirit of the holidays last week."

His eyes spark and he points his finger at her accusingly. "Last week, you kissed me. Why didn't you tell me then?"

"I thought you could figure it out," she says.

"Haven't you learned by now that I haven't figured you out? I never know what you're going to do next, how you're going to feel or react. I'm still solving," he says.

"And when you're done?" she asks.

He shakes his head at her. "I'll never be done."

She grins.

"Then what are you waiting for?" she asks. His eyebrows furrow again but fly skyward within a few seconds. He clears his throat dramatically.

"Kate," he begins, "go to dinner with me tonight."

"Tonight? Castle, I've got a lot to do and-"

He cuts her off. "We've waited for this day for over three years. You can push around a few things."

True.

"Okay, tonight. When?"

"Whenever you're ready."

Isn't that what got them into this mess in the first place?

Kate glances around to all of the people still watching the two of them. Her therapist's door remains firmly shut with that stupid four-fifteen appointment blabbering on inside.

"That might take a while," she warns him.

"You'd be surprised by the extent of my patience, Detective Beckett." Three years and counting. Kate smiles. "And the extent of, um, other things."

Her smile widens. "I do like surprises."

"But no surprises on the first date," he says. She chuckles.

"You won't last pass the salad," she says.

"Ah, but I have a secret weapon," he says conspiratorially. He beckons her towards him and she leans in to hear. He whispers, "You're a total groupie. Can't keep your hands off me."

She swats at his chest, which only makes Rick laugh. Point proven.

"Shut up, Castle."

"Only if you make me."


	5. V for Vest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> V for Vest takes place one month and a half past W. It is mid-February, either the eleventh or the twelfth. Vests in the Castle world have always been important and I hope that this chapter shows a new sort of... light I guess.

" _CASTLE!_ "

Her voice breaks through the monotony of the typical New York night. The car shakes slightly when Kate yanks away from her partner forcefully. She glances out the window for a sign that someone noticed. Her quick survey shows that their argument is the least of the problems in the neighborhood. Kate and Rick are three minutes in to the frenzied spat, yet no passerbys curiously glance into the unfamiliar vehicle near the curb. The rest of the world seems as fazed as Rick Castle himself.

His normally easygoing attitude has vanished, replaced by a steel look to rival his companion's. He sees the cracks in her stone façade much easier than she does in him. Her eyes are too harsh, too widened for her to be impassive. She's angry with him. What else is new?

Her top actually. The emerald button-up breathes like silk and looks as alluring as a freshly mown lawn on Sunday morning. He spent twenty minutes just rubbing his hands along the sleeves earlier today. The call had cut their cuddling time on the couch short. Damn Ryan. Damn Rick as well. Upon second glance at Kate's top, he finds himself imagining the warm, sticky pool of blood that could easily cover it in minutes.

It starts at the same spot as the sniper's shot. Only his hands aren't there, putting pressure on the wound and holding her to him. The blood drips, running down faster than children after an ice cream truck. Each drop of life rushes in an illogical path, not down the front of her top, but down the right sleeve. Rick watches the false images gather where a real one is. His hand. Her blood is always on his hands. His grip tightens on her right wrist, which only serves to make her bark his name again.

"Castle! If you don't let me go right now, I will arrest you for obstruction of justice," Kate says with a deeper glare.

He meets her gaze. In the deeper rings of her eyes, he sees fear. Of him? Of the situation? He understands both. His own fear releases the filter in his brain. He doubts his thoughts should be shared, but he can't help himself from saying "You can't arrest me if you're dead, Kate."

Her right eye trembles slightly as her focus wanders down. He knows she doesn't have to look down to feel the scar in her. He feels it. Every day. He never forgets. He can't. She can't. And she can't go into that apartment. She goes in and something bad happens. What will he do then?

Kate huffs and brushes aside the lock of hair that usually falls into her face. The action gains her a few extra seconds to come up with a response. He recognizes it from past talks with victims' families and, more recently, from the beginning of their dates. Each time – and they're approaching date number nine – she starts off trying to figure out where it will lead. She bides her time and weighs her answers before she says them. Eventually, she relinquishes the hold she has on herself and allows the easiness they have always had to take over. He reckons that this little fight will further the time she spends doing that on their next date, if she doesn't just cancel it altogether out of frustration.

"Let go of my wrist, Rick," she says. His eyes narrow at the use of his first name. She continues to reserve 'Rick' for heated remarks and the occasional jest, even after the month and a half of dating. It is another of her tactics to buy time, but he cuts it down to only the second it takes for him to blink and see the blood again.

"No," Rick says.

Kate flares up again. She tries to pull away from him but he only brings her back towards him harder. For a moment, he wonders if he might hurt her. His grip certainly is not the soft one he has used in the past to halt her. Maybe because this is more serious.

Despite being away from the case for some of the latter details, Rick knows enough to worry more than usual about Kate. Zavier Kinse hails from a line of criminals. His mother and father had even met in prison – how romantic. Five years into Kinse's life, his mother went back to jail for prostitution. Around that time, he took to collecting anything that reminded him of her. When she got out, Kinse's father had rejected her and refused to allow her to be in Kinse's life. Kinse attacked his father one night for that decision and would later put the man into a coma. Prior to the attempted murder of his father, Kinse searched out his mother only to find that she had cleaned up her ways for a new family, complete with a new son. He now takes women who resemble his mother and tries to help them, fix them the way he never got the chance to with his mother. When they reject his help, he kills them with a shot through the heart so that they feel the pain where he does. Needless to say, Kate is his type. Kinse might have a new mommy upstairs already, but that does not mean he won't trade her in at the chance to fix one of New York's finest. Kate does not seem to get that.

"Castle, he has Denise up there right now. Who knows how long she has before he snaps."

Rick answers, "Long enough for Ryan and Esposito to-"

"They were on the other side of town when they pieced it together. Their ETA? Twenty minutes, Castle. She can't wait that long."

"And he can't have you," Rick resolutely states.

Kate sighs the way she does during a difficult case, when everything is up against her and she just needs a break.

"He won't get me. I have a gun-"

Rick interjects. "So does he. You could be shot, Kate." They both hear his silent 'again.' It only makes her indignation swell.

"You can't ask me not to do my job because of something that happened months ago."

"I'm not asking you, Kate," Rick says. "I'm just not letting you."

Kate's jaw drops open. He figures she expected a cheesy second sentence like  _I'm begging you_  or one she already knows how to ignore like  _think about the people who love you._  He also figures the shock factor might help him stall her. He just has to stall.

Kate sputters, "Y-you can't."

"I already am. We've wasted seven minutes so far. Another thirteen and-"

"No!" Kate writhes violently in her seat and his hold. "Castle, you do not get to do this. You are killing her."

"And you're killing yourself!" he yells. She halts at the strength and venom behind his tone. Their eyes meet again. Can she see the fear in his? He knows the fear is there. It follows him around constantly, since the sniper, since Raglan, since Royce. He lives every day terrified that he will lose her, not only to death or another man, but also to herself. Rick tells her, "You're going to realize one day that saving them won't save you. Finishing the case won't suddenly make the world perfect. It won't do anything but force you to recognize that, for years, you haven't really lived. Not until recently at least. I had hoped that you realized, but here we are again."

Her eyes tell him she knows what he is getting at. Still, she pretends that she doesn't. She says, "Calm the drama queen act. I'm just doing my job."

The hell she is. She has been pushing harder than anything else to solve this new case. And it's not because she could easily be one of the victims. It is because of the same damn case that rules her life. A few weeks ago, Kate bought an iPhone just to have an app that would allow her to make and carry around little murder boards. She kept the app locked, but he had seen some of the screen one day when she was falling asleep at her desk.

Rick admits, "I've seen the board. I know you're still working your mom's case." Kate tries a second time to remain stoic. Again, her eyes betray her. "I also know that nothing short of what I'm doing right now could stop you. I can't hold you back from this. It's tiring, not just physically but in every part of who I am. So I'm… I'm saying now that I can't be in this part of your life anymore. I can't be your partner and watch you do this. I-you're making me let go and I'm asking, Kate, please don't run when I do."

Rick stops there. He gazes on the stunned, silent Kate Beckett with uncertainty and surprise of his own. What on Earth did he just say? Sure, he has thought about walking away from the Twelfth before, but never had he actually-he normally wouldn't-shit. Damn. The words aren't left field. He believes them enough. He knows he can't handle watching her die in front of him again. Yet, how can he honor his newly proclaimed resignation? His personal and professional lives with are one in the same. Will he still-will they-does this mean they break up? He wants to ask her. Her practically catatonic state makes that difficult. He can ask tomorrow. For now, he will honor what he said.

With the hand not holding her, Rick reaches in the bag at his feet and pulls out his writer vest. He knows hers is not in the car and the boys probably won't have it with them. He places it in her lap.

He can still remember the first time he put the vest on. Kate had rolled her eyes at him, but he saw the relief in them at knowing should events go South he would have more than just his vast arsenal of rapier wit to protect him. Giving it to her is giving up that protection that he needed – wanted – for being in the field. It's like he really is resigning. Like he's leaving before she can and before he even says those three words. He considers saying them just so that she knows that partner or no partner he will always be there for her.

A bang sounds before he gets the chance. Kate's hand automatically goes to her gun. They look towards the apartment building to see Ryan looking into the car, his own vest fastened on his body. Looks like the twenty minutes are up.

Rick's voice is strained and sore when he speaks to Kate next. The sense of ruin and dread sweeping through his insides must have gotten to his voice box. He tells Kate, "Wear the vest. You'll need something to protect you."  _Since I won't_.

Her head bobs lightly. It could just be her blinking back the tears in her eyes. He takes it as a yes anyway and finally releases her wrist.

Her gaze snaps towards the limb like it's a foreign invader. Hours go by in the time she spends staring at it. Then Esposito knocks on the window as well and she opens the driver side door.

As she walks to the building, Kate fastens Rick's vest around her. The typical New York night swallows his voice. Passerbys curiously watch the detectives creep forward. A late night ice cream truck does a second lap of the area. The world seems almost as lost as Rick Castle himself.

He whispers, "Be safe, Kate."


	6. U for Ultimate Low

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> U for Ultimate (Low) takes place somewhere down the road. Timeline is not really that important for this except for the fact that it happens after they get together.

For once, his pain doesn't have to do with Alexis or Kate. He actually can't even remember what it's about for a moment. Despite all of the words in his head and the vivid imagery he projects, Rick Castle is blank. His mind is wiped clean to the point where all he recognizes is the fear pooling in his body.

It slides up the back of his neck, tangling in the hairs and causing him to shirk and jerk sporadically. It weighs on his eyelids and in his tear ducts until all he can do is squeeze his eyes closed so tightly that he feels like they should rip at the seams like a bad cartoon. It nails his feet to the ground at his heels, pins his nails into his palms, and gags him so that he almost doubles over with the force of it all. Somehow, he remains standing. He reckons his upright position has everything to do with Kate.

She holds onto him, her hands on his forceps and her body angled towards him. She's whispering words that Rick does not catch. Cannot catch. They must help on some level even if he can't feel it directly. He can't open his eyes, but he would see her concern if he could. Her concern has the same effect as the fear. She's rooted in place, nearly unable to speak, and shaking. She shakes because she has never seen him like this. He has never broken before. He looked into the barrel of a gun, stood in front of a ticking bomb, felt his muscles freeze and stop while his heart still beat, left her after confessing everything, and never has he broken. Until now.

Eventually, simply holding his arms is not enough. Not for him, or for her. She steps closer and pulls him into her. She circles him and squeezes until her own arms start to go numb. He slackens suddenly, nearly toppling them both over. She manages to keep them up still. She reckons that has everything to do with him. She's the one with the wall and the secrets. She's the one who let this happen. So she's the one to keep them together, for him. For Rick.

She racks her mind for words of comfort. What does he say to her when she's falling apart?

_"Take it easy, Kate. You've got this."_

_"Do you know why I chose you as my inspiration for Nikki Heat? …Because you're tall."_

_"I love you, Kate."_

Her hand slides up the back of his neck, tangling in the hairs and quelling the movement in his body. She still quakes a bit as she leans even closer. Her lips brush his ear as she whispers,

"Come on, Castle. Wall or not, now or on our deathbeds, I need you. Until the last word. Always. I need you."

Slowly, Rick begins to breathe again. It's not surprising, merely reinforcing what they have always known. He needs her too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Up: T. What do you think the word is?

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


End file.
